Think of the Pirates franchise as one of those Kraft crackers ‘n’ cheese packages. Everything starts out fine; you got your crackers, you got plenty of viscous cheese paste, and you got that little useless plastic stick to use as an ersatz trowel for combining the two into oneÂ flavor sensation.
You clutch the first cracker in your left hand, the plastic stick with your right, you balance the tiny pot of iridescent, cheese-flavored cholesterol on your thigh, and you begin your journey to FlavorLand.*
(*NOTE: As I type this out, I imagine this scene taking place on an Amtrak train, headed from Chicago to LA, in 1972. Bits of cheese stick to a man’s handlebar mustache as he brushes stray cracker crumbs off his blue, white, and red tartan sport coat. His hair is receding, but his soft, light brown curls still pool thickly against the back of his neck. He is wearing white loafers.) (more…)