Archive for the ‘Blockbuster’ Category

Episode 63: Year in Review

Saturday, March 12th, 2016

While I’d like to believe that this is the start of a new era of podcasting, I’ve got 13 months of data that shows that’s probably not the case. That said! We’re sort of back! And we haven’t gotten any better at this, but hey, very few things get better after you do them 63 times. But add another 6 times and hey, that’s a whole new ballgame.


The Lone Ranger

Thursday, July 11th, 2013

What do you think of when you think of the Lone Ranger? Is it the William Tell Overture? Is it the silver bullets? Is it the fact that he never kills, but always shoots the guns out of his enemy’s hands? Maybe it’s the “Hi-yo Silver, away!” catchphrase? Or that he stood for “truth, justice, and the American way”?

Or do you think of the fact that he’s a dimwitted moron that succeeds only in spite of his own clownish stupidity, and even then only because of complete and total outlandish luck?

If you answered “yes” to the last one and “no” to everything else before that, have I got the movie for you!


Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Monday, May 23rd, 2011

Think of the Pirates franchise as one of those Kraft crackers ‘n’ cheese packages. Everything starts out fine; you got your crackers, you got plenty of viscous cheese paste, and you got that little useless plastic stick to use as an ersatz trowel for combining the two into one flavor sensation.

You clutch the first cracker in your left hand, the plastic stick with your right, you balance the tiny pot of iridescent, cheese-flavored cholesterol on your thigh, and you begin your journey to FlavorLand.*

(*NOTE: As I type this out, I imagine this scene taking place on an Amtrak train, headed from Chicago to LA, in 1972. Bits of cheese stick to a man’s handlebar mustache as he brushes stray cracker crumbs off his blue, white, and red tartan sport coat. His hair is receding, but his soft, light brown curls still pool thickly against the back of his neck. He is wearing white loafers.) (more…)


Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

Cobb looked forward to the day when his son would move past his wetting-the-bed phase.Let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first. It’s too long by 30 minutes. It’s a festival of expository dialog. Wait, is that a real thing? Should that be a real thing? It wouldn’t take much to throw together. We could call it Expositorapalooza. There would be hipsters with tight jeans, smoking hand-rolled cigarettes, gently bobbing their heads in time with the rolling beat of the Hans Zimmer score as they take pictures of each other with plastic 35mm cameras they bought at Urban Outfitters. (more…)

Iron Man 2

Sunday, May 9th, 2010

I can remember a time when I was about 16 that I was at a Cubs game at Wrigley Field. We were standing around after the game, trying to get autographs from players as they left the parking lot across the street from the firehouse on Waveland Avenue. I don’t remember much about the game; I don’t remember who the Cubs were playing, or what the score was, or who won (though, let’s be honest, it probably wasn’t the Cubs). What I do remember, though, was Mark Grace walking to his car. He was dressed in a pastel silk suit that Tony Montana would consider over the top, and had two women with him that looked like they had sprung fully-formed from the mind of someone with a dirtier imagination than an ancient Greek god’s. He got into a Porsche with the girls, and left without signing any autographs.

I knew at that moment that I’d never be Mark Grace. (more…)